Monday, April 1, 2019

No More Cakes And Ale

This is a short piece from 2015 written along a Roundhead/Puritan theme and meant to be a fictitious speech to a 17th. century Parliament.


NO MORE CAKES AND ALE

When the Devil gets into men it must find expression in all manner of evil deeds. We see in the riots the true face of these satanic celebrants, in unholy alliance with Papist idolatry.  They would have us turn our backs on Christ’s authentic message, reduced to animals and backward.  Here we have the perfect living case for why these debauched merchants and their fooleries and deviltries must be outlawed. 

For those who would tell me I am a killjoy for suppressing this merrymaking, I would tell you of the disreputable years of my youth, when I defiled the Nativity of Christ in much the way that these arrogant priests worship the masse.  I am a plain man now and I live through my son who hopes to become a man of the cloth. 

The Lords of Misrule who preside over these decadent pagan feasts on the Twelfth Night are practising nothing more than superstition, abusing the Holy-days by failing to observe the most solemn and sobrius of common Christian manners.  Nothing can vindicate it.  These Devil-kind devices must be cleansed from the souls of these misguided creatures.

The play houses that are too-often scenes of rioting and disorder must be shut and their patrons examined by Marshals.  If found to have strayed, they should be placed in irons.  The ale houses that corrupt our men must be closed down.  These vile dens of iniquity must no longer serve to harbour weak ungodly men on cold winter nights.  It is in the embrace of Christ that they should seek warmth.  Drunkenness and gluttony must be punished now as redemption for the after-life.

It is the duty of this Parliament now sitting as the Common Assembly to pass such decrees as are necessary to ensure proper observance, to reform our manners and to improve public morals for the health of the common folk.

That is why I say: No more cakes and ale.

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