THE WEDDING
DRAMATIS
PERSONAE
Becky – kitchen worker at the hotel
Bryan – father of the bride
Colin – brother of Lyndsey
Ian – the groom
Jools – the photographer
Katrina – kitchen worker at the hotel
Lyndsey – the bride
Margaret – mother of the bride
Michelle – Colin’s common law wife
Miss Tumble – the organist
Mr Havers – manager of the hotel
Rev. Richards – the Vicar
Uncle Freddy – bride’s relative
Uncle Lloyd – groom’s relative and Best Man
AUTHOR’S
NOTE
Much
of the dialogue in Act Two is taken from the Common Book of Prayer.
ACT
ONE
Bryan,
Colin, Ian, Lyndsey, Miss Tumble and Rev. Richards are gathered in the Vicar’s
sitting room.
BRYAN: I didn’t bring Margaret
along because….well you know what she’s like.
LYNDSEY: Dad!
BRYAN: Well, alright Lyndsey. Anyway Reverend, I’m happy for the young
couple here to decide what goes into the service, but I think it would be a
good idea to hear your input.
LYNDSEY: We want something traditional,
Vicar. Myself and Ian have discussed
this already, haven’t we love?
IAN: Yeah,
traditional.
BRYAN: Yep,
proper white wedding and all that.
IAN: Yeah….let’s
do it proper.
BRYAN: Well I’m paying.
LYNDSEY: Dad….
REV.
RICHARDS: Well, you know it’s not just
about having a white wedding. Don’t
forget that a wedding is a deeply religious service in which two people enter
into serious obligations and duties with each other.
BRYAN: That’s right. It’s a serious business this.
LYNDSEY: We know.
COLIN: Yeah, they both know what
they’re doing, Dad.
LYNDSEY: So what would you suggest,
Vicar.
REV.
RICHARDS: If you’d like to go down the
more traditional route, we can base the entire service on the Common Book of
Prayer. It’s very poetic.
BRYAN: What’s that?
MISS
TUMBLE: Oh, it’s an ancient text
for wedding services. It includes quite
a lengthy prayer. It will be a beautiful
service.
REV.
RICHARDS: The only drawback is that the
groom doesn’t get to kiss the bride.
IAN: What?
BRYAN: In that case, you’ve sold
me Vicar.
LYNDSEY: And me.
IAN: And when do I get to
kiss the bride, then?
BRYAN: Much later if I have
anything to do with it.
LYNDSEY: Oh stop it Dad…
BRYAN: I’m giving away my little
Princess, aren’t I.
COLIN: So they’ll be no, ‘You
may kiss the bride’.
REV.
RICHARDS: That’s right, but the groom
can just go ahead and kiss the bride anyway.
ACT
TWO
The
wedding ceremony is in progress. The
Vicar is at the altar with Ian and Lindsey.
REV.
RICHARDS: [To Ian] Wilt thou
have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in
the holy estate of matrimony? Will thou
love her, comfort her, honour, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking
all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?
There is a long pause. Both the Vicar and Lindsey look towards Ian.
LYNDSEY: Ian….?
Uncle
Lloyd nudges Ian in the back, so violently that he lurches forward, almost
tripping.
Ian
looks toward Lyndsey, then to the Vicar, who raises his eyebrows in mock
anticipation.
IAN: What…? Oh, yes, sorry…I will.
Colin
sniggers audibly before Michelle jabs him in the stomach.
REV.
RICHARDS: [Not missing a
beat, turns to Lindsey] Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live
together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love,
honour, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep
thee unto him, so long as yee both shall live?
LYNDSEY: I will [smiles and
looks towards Ian].
REV.
RICHARDS: Who giveth this
woman to be married to this man? [Nods to Bryan as he says this].
Bryan steps forward and places Lyndsey’s
hand in his. He doesn’t smile.
Reverend
Richards takes Lyndsey’s hand from her father and guides it to the hand of Ian,
who, prompted by a gentle nod from the Vicar, takes his hand in hers.
REV.
RICHARDS: [Looking towards
Ian] I, Ian Ross Percival Dobbs….[Colin
lets out a smothered laugh, and is jabbed by Michelle again. The
Vicar, rolling his eyes, starts again.]
I, Ian Ross Percival Dobbs, take thee, Lyndsey Marie Dutton.
IAN: [Nervous
and stumbling] I, Ian Ross Percival Dobbs, take thee, Lyndsey
Maria…Marie….Dutton…
REV.
RICHARDS ….to my wedded
wife, to have and to hold from this day forward….
IAN: …to my
wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward…
ACT THREE
Scene 1
Colin
and Rev. Richards are at the Reception, sat together at a table. Colin is clearly drunk. Rev. Richards remains sober.
COLIN: So…Rev…Rev,
how did yer learn to memorise all that nonsense, then?
REV.
RICHARDS: It’s something we
have to learn. It’s a skill.
COLIN: But all that
airy-fairy fancy stuff, it’s all a bit unnecessary innit?
REV.
RICHARDS: Marriage is a
serious thing. Thought about getting
hitched yourself?
COLIN: Nah…me and
the missus, Michelle, we’re quite happy without this marriage lark…So, what do
they call you when you’re off duty?
REV.
RICHARDS: You mean my name?
COLIN: Yeah….is it
Dicky? Reverend Dicky?
MARGARET: Colin! You’ve had quite enough to drink. Bryan, come over here will you and do
something.
BRYAN: What love…?
MARGARET: He’s making a spectacle
of himself…I really must apologise Reverend.
REV.
RICHARDS: No, no…It’s quite
alright.
MICHELLE: Christ Colin, we’ve
only been here twenty minutes and you’re already out of it.
MARGARET: He’s an embarrassment.
COLIN: Dicky thinks
we should get married love.
MICHELLE: Dicky? Who’s Dicky?
COLIN: The Vic…The
Vicar. He says we should get hitched.
REV.
RICHARDS: Well it’s really a
decision for you. I couldn’t possibly…
MARGARET: Good for you,
Vicar. You’re absolutely right. Do you know they already have three
kids? I’ve been telling ‘em, they need
to get married, but it’s the young people these days, they just don’t listen.
MICHELLE: Hang on…now just hold
on. It’s none of your business. It’s up to me and Colin what we do.
COLIN: [Rises
awkwardly from his chair and takes Michelle in arm as if to start a slow dance]
Come on, Michelle, let’s get hitched, let’s get married. Da-di-da.
Let’s have a tic-o-tape parade, ha-ha.
MICHELLE: Get off me yer
pillock.
COLIN: We’ll go to
Vegas.
MICHELLE: How will we afford
that?
BRYAN: I won’t pay for
it.
MARGARET: You won’t go to Vegas,
you’ll have a proper wedding, in a proper church.
MICHELLE: Will we?
MARGARET: Look at Lyndsey and
Ian. They’ve just had a beautiful
wedding. What a lovely service.
BRYAN: Lovely price
an’ all.
MARGARET: Never mind that you
silly sod. You’re 62 now. We can’t take the money with us.
COLIN: 62 Dad? Yer don’t look it fella. Maybe you should get a younger woman.
BRYAN: Shut it.
MARGARET: Never mind that
cheek. Reverend, how long is the waiting
list for St. George’s?
MICHELLE: Do we get any say in
this?
MARGARET: It’s for the best.
MICHELLE: For the best? How would you know what’s the best for me and
Colin. We’re happy as we are.
COLIN: Michelle…
MICHELLE: No Colin. I’m not going to be dictated to.
COLIN: Michelle,
love, I was just havin’ a laugh…
MICHELLE: Colin! I’ve had enough of this….[Now in tears, walks
off]
COLIN: Look what
you’ve done now, you know how upset she gets when you nag her Mam.
MARGARET: Well I’m only saying
what I think’s best.
BRYAN: I know, but
leave it alone now love.
ACT THREE
Scene 2
Bryan
and Colin are standing in reception. Mr
Havers (the hotel manager) joins them.
MR HAVERS: Everything
OK so far? The buffet’s ready….
BRYAN: It
looks very nice. Only the best for my
daughter, eh?
COLIN: Yep,
you’ve put on a good spread……Freddy!
BRYAN: What?
COLIN: Uncle
Freddy’s here.
UNCLE FREDDY: Hello
there Colin…I see you’ve started without me.
COLIN: Fred…Freddy…Freddy…Freddy…
UNCLE FREDDY: What’s
‘appening?
COLIN: So far just
the usual family rows. Michelle’s stormed
off. I’ll have to find her.
UNCLE
FREDDY: Show me the way to
the booze first.
Uncle Freddy and Colin then walk away.
Becky enters
reception, head down, and starts walking quickly towards the kitchen. Mr Havers sees her.
MR
HAVERS: Excuse me
for a moment will you Bryan.
BRYAN: Fine, actually
I’ve got to get back now. The happy
couple will be arriving any moment.
Mr Havers confronts Becky.
MR
HAVERS: Becky?.....BECKY! Just stop there for a moment.
BECKY: What
is it now?
MR
HAVERS: Becky,
that’s no way to talk to me. Why are you
late again?
BECKY: I ‘add to tell
the school and they told me to come in.
I ‘add no choice.
MR
HAVERS: Becky...Becky…we’ve
gone over this before. I told you
specifically that you need to be here by 10.30 without fail.
BECKY: I know, but the
school….
MR
HAVERS: What does
that mean to me? I have a business to
run here.
BECKY: But what about
Sam? I just can’t leave him to fend for
himself at the end of the day.
MR
HAVERS: We’ll
discuss this later Becky, but I’m not happy.
Mr
Havers then walks away quickly. Becky,
now in tears, resumes her walk to the kitchen, this time more slowly.
ACT
THREE
Scene
3
Becky
enters the kitchen. Her friend, Katrina, sees her crying.
KATRINA: Eh,
what’s a matter love?
BECKY: It’s
that….It’s that bastard Havers.
KATRINA: What
is it now?
BECKY: I had to go
into school to make sure there would be someone around to collect Sam this
after.
KATRINA: But
Havers told you to be here for 10.30 Becky…
BECKY: I know, but I
couldn’t. I have to make sure there’s
somebody to collect Sam.
KATRINA: They’ll think yer
slacking.
BECKY: They can think
what they want, can’t they.
KATRINA: Yeah.
BECKY: I don’t give a
toss anymore.
KATRINA: Havers seems more
prone to this than anybody.
BECKY: Yeah.
KATRINA: Yeah.
BECKY: Me Dad’s goin’
to have to cover for me in shop today.
He’s got doctors at twenty to four.
KATRINA: Well, at least
he’s goin’ to cover for yer. They best
not be givin’ him any more cheek neither.
BECKY: I know, I’d love
for ‘em to be saying sommat as he walked in.
KATRINA: Yeah.
BECKY: I’ll ask what I
have to do to hand me notice in here. I
really can’t cope anymore, I’ve had one day off all week. By the time I get back home I’m ready for
bed.
KATRINA: Don’t worry about
it love, but I’d complain if I were you.
BECKY: But like I said
to Sheila other week, it’s like I’m in wrong, like everyone hates me for it but
it’s not my fault.
KATRINA: They sacked Mike
without giving him any notice, remember that?
BECKY: Yeah, but
they’re allowed to do that to managers, whereas with us they have to give us
two months’ notice.
KATRINA: It’s an absolute
disgrace the way they’ve treated yer darlin’.
BECKY: Yeah, and like
moving me between hotels as well. Like
when I had to get to the other one, that service station, they don’t think how
you have to get up in the morning so early and where the money’s coming from
for transport.
KATRINA: They’ve taken the
piss with yer wages as well ‘aven’t they.
BECKY: It’s like I
said to Robert the other week, with what I have coming in, I can’t afford
shopping or Sam’s school uniform.
KATRINA: Yeah.
BECKY: I mean look at
‘em, it’s all right for them, they can go and spend money and afford to go to
Blackpool.
KATRINA: Yeah, you’re
right. Anyway darlin’, you go and stand
outside for a bit, go on, get a bit of fresh air.
ACT THREE
Scene 4
Becky
stands outside in the yard, leaning against a brick wall. She lights up a cigarette. Michelle is there too, sitting on a bench,
lost in her own thoughts.
BECKY: All
right?
MICHELLE: All
right.
BECKY: Work
here?
MICHELLE: No.
BECKY: What
ya doin’ ‘ere then?
MICHELLE: Wedding.
BECKY: Oh
yeah, the wedding today?
MICHELLE: Yeah,
that’s right.
BECKY: Having
second thoughts, then?
MICHELLE: No, it’s not my wedding…
BECKY: Right.
MICHELLE: Well,
sort of…
BECKY: It’s
sort of your wedding?
MICHELLE: It
could be.
BECKY: Could
be?
MICHELLE: I
mean….well, they want me to get married.
BECKY: Oh, I see, it’s like that,
eh. Well, take my advice luvvy, don’t
waste your time with him, whoever he is.
MICHELLE: I’ve
been with him now for six years.
BECKY: What’s
the problem?
MICHELLE: We’ve
got three children.
BECKY: But
not married? I have a son, and not a man
in sight.
MICHELLE: Left
you did he?.....Oh….sorry….
BECKY: He was never with me. As soon as I told him I was pregnant, he
left, fled. Just didn’t want the
responsibility, see. I’ve not had sight
nor sound of him since.
MICHELLE: That’s sad. Especially for your son. He needs his Dad.
BECKY: Yeah, well it
sounds like yours do have a Dad. You’re
lucky. There aren’t many men left in
this world, believe me.
MICHELLE: What is he called,
your son? What did you call him?
BECKY: Samuel. After his grandfather. I call him Sam.
MICHELLE: That’s a nice
name. Has his father ever seen him?
BECKY: Ian? Not a chance.
He doesn’t care. He might even
have started another family by now.
MICHELLE: Ian? That’s the name of the groom.
BECKY: Yeah, well, if
it’s the same Ian, you can tell him to shove it from me.
MICHELLE: I doubt it’s the same
Ian. This one’s a dull estate
agent. His favourite pastime is watching
motorsport on the tele. Wears thick,
pebble-shaped glasses and likes to tell everybody he can drive like Nigel
Mansell.
Becky
drops her cigarette and stares at Michelle for a few moments, then walks
slowly, as if in a daze, back towards the kitchen.
ACT
THREE
Scene
5
The
couple have arrived at the Reception and everyone is seated and listening to
speeches. It is the turn of the best
man, Uncle Lloyd who is delivering his speech.
UNCLE
LLOYD: …and it goes
without saying that Ian is a stallion.
That is, at suduko. [Laughter]
COLIN: Weey…go on
Uncle Lloyd…!
UNCLE
LLOYD: Can I just
conclude by asking you all to raise your glasses to the happy couple, Lyndsey
and Ian…
GUESTS: Lyndsey and Ian!
BRYAN: Thank you Uncle
Lloyd for that….interesting speech. [Laughter]
COLIN: More…More!
BRYAN: I think, Colin,
you’ve had enough already. [Laughter]. Now, it gives me great pleasure to call on
the groom to make a few remarks. [Applauses
and whistles].
COLIN: Go on my son…
IAN: Margaret,
Bryan, Lyndsey, Ladies and Gentleman...
At
that moment, Becky arrives in the room.
She looks from guest-to-guest, then inspects the cake, then realises Ian
is the man standing at the head table, about to make a speech.
BECKY: Hello
Ian.
MARGARET: Who
the hell are you?
BECKY: Oh,
I’m sorry to interrupt this wonderful occasion.
ACT
THREE
Scene
6
Bryan,
Margaret, Colin and Michelle are sat at a table.
BRYAN: I
want to know who my bloody son-in-law is.
MARGARET: You know who you’re
bloody son-in-law is. He’s the same
bloody son-in-law you had before the reception.
BRYAN: We don’t know
him, Margaret.
MARGARET: We do know him. It’s just a little indiscretion, that’s all.
BRYAN: A little
indiscretion? He’s had a kid
out-of-wedlock and abandoned the mother.
MICHELLE: Now hang-on, we’ve
heard enough morality this afternoon.
MARGARET: We don’t know all the
facts.
BRYAN: Well you’ve
changed your tune. About an hour ago you
were practically booking a wedding for these two with the local Vic.
MARGARET: Well we can’t change
what’s happened can we. What’s done is
done. How’s Lyndsey?
MICHELLE: I spoke with her a
few minutes ago. She’s in her room. I think she’ll come round. This isn’t going to be easily-fixed,
though. He lied to her.
BRYAN: He bloody did,
and when I get hold of him…
MARGARET: Where is he anyhow?
COLIN: I took him to
the bar. He’s had a few.
BRYAN: Good, it won’t
hurt him then when I knock his lights out.
MARGARET: BRYAN! Stop it.
It won’t solve anything.
BRYAN: No, but it’ll
give me some satisfaction. Do you know
how much I spent on this wedding?
MICHELLE: Yes Bryan, you’ve
spent the last two weeks telling us.
MARGARET: That marriage could be
over before it’s even started.
BRYAN: With any luck…I
don’t know what she saw in the creep anyway.
MARGARET: What about
you two?
MICHELLE: What
about us?
MARGARET: Well, can we
run you home? You can’t expect Colin to
drive now, not the condition he’s in.
COLIN: So,
what about it then?
MICHELLE: I’ll stay
on and make sure she’s OK. I blame
myself for this.
MARGARET: You weren’t
to know love.
BRYAN: No,
he was though. The little creep.
MARGARET: Come back
with us. This’ll sort itself.
COLIN: I
meant, how about the two of us getting hitched, you know, tying the knot?
MICHELLE: I’ll
think about it, Colin.
COLIN: Wanna
dance?
MICHELLE: Oh no,
not now Colin. It’s late.
COLIN: Never
mind ‘late’. I want to dance with my
wife.
MICHELLE: Alright
then. Just for a few minutes.
Colin takes Michelle by the arm, they
dance in time with the slow music.
MICHELLE: I didn’t
have you down as someone who liked this type of music, Colin.
COLIN: Well,
my love, I’m full of surprises, ain’t I.
MICHELLE: I know, I
know.
COLIN: So
let’s discuss this wedding we’re going to have.
MICHELLE: I’ve told
you, I don’t like weddings. We’ve been
over this.
COLIN: You’re
a woman…
MICHELLE: You’ve
noticed?
COLIN: No,
I meant – you’re a woman and so you should like weddings, ceremony, cakes,
fancy dress, all that palarva.
MICHELLE: Maybe I
don’t like being the centre of attention?
COLIN: Maybe
you’re too shy, or too modest, or both.
MICHELLE: One of
those can be a virtue.
COLIN: OK.
MICHELLE: A
marriage isn’t just about trimmings, lace and confetti. It’s about two people making a serious
commitment to one another.
COLIN: That’s
what the Vicar said.
MICHELLE: He’s
right. You don’t need a marriage
certificate to prove commitment.
COLIN: I
would say you do.
MICHELLE: Are you
saying we are not already committed to one another?
COLIN: Of
course we’re committed.
MICHELLE: Well,
then why do we need a certificate to provide something we already know for
certain?
COLIN: It’s
tradition. It’s what binds people
together, makes a society.
MICHELLE: That’s
deep for a drunkard.
COLIN: I
think better after ten pints.
MICHELLE: Don’t I
know it.
COLIN: Anyway,
I thought your mother might like a traditional wedding, you know, tiered
wedding cake, old church, reception, white wedding gown, pages and bridesmaids,
photographer, the works.
MICHELLE: But what
would it prove?
COLIN: You
definitely don’t want a wedding, then?
MICHELLE: Well,
who’s a soppy and sentimental one.
COLIN: It
just doesn’t feel right not being married, that’s all.
MICHELLE: I know.
THE
END
